A CHANGE IN DIRECTION

Well the original intention of my blog has been lost. Today I will begin anew with a commitment to give 10 minutes to my writing every day, to specifically chart moods, influences, activities, inspirations and realisations. I am excited!

Today has started with a bang. A session at the reassuringly daggy gym I have joined could affect me in two ways. It was extremely busy, full of women talking about their kids and their busy days ahead. I kept my head down, not keen to start chattering and particularly aware that I am struggling to keep up with my good friends at the moment so nervous about entering into even more new friendships. How conceited is that? As I watched us all jiggle and strain, each of us with our different lumps and curves, I took pause to think about how we all beaver away, consumed by our own lives, our lists of things to do, our private concerns. Pushing and panting and throwing stupid pink balls in the air I felt like a cog in the wheel but I also felt united in purpose. I'm not going to dwell on this old topic - why do we all bother? Who gives a shit anyway? This is an old, worn out thought pattern, if it was a towel it would be too threadbare to even keep as a polishing rag anymore. I think my shrink would call it ruminating.

I have interviewed a scarily motivated artist this morning. Just scribbling the dot points of her life left me exhausted. My immediate reaction to this kind of experience is traditionally to start comparing myself - why can't I produce 400 paintings a year, raise two kids (with a nanny), travel the world to paint live in front of various Asian royal families, call my husband the "wind beneath my wings" and still have time to put my hair in plaits before I start work in my studio looking over the rainforest?

You know what though? Today I am thinking about how impressive and joyful that woman's energy is and how rich and varied her life and that of her family must be. But I am happy with my need to sip a cup of tea in the backyard this morning because this is the first warm morning I have seen in months and it has been a hell of a busy week. As happens for me every time winter steps back to let summer have her turn, I can barely remember when it used to be hot. It's like a revelation once again. I will have my tea, write this blog, think about tidying the house and get ready for a 1.30pm appointment and I will bloody well enjoy the whole process.

Today's realisation: I am getting better at not comparing myself to others. It is an ugly habit.

Today's other realisation: I have gone past my 10 minutes and not even begun on my other topics of discussion. That's great! I'm not going to push it. Off to the dishes.