things that happen when your father dies

for Carmen

as the original support posts in your life disappear, the free-standing structure becomes all that more exposed; its integrity is tested

no one wears beanies with handmade pom poms on the top

there are gifts you will no longer have to buy

you look at your mother differently ; you look at her as a lover

you avoid a certain seat in the loungeroom

you wonder what to do with his car keys

you begin to look for him in the air around you

initially your own pain is too much; eventually you come to dwell on his

you really do remember some of the funniest times; his smile (even when he didn't wear his teeth) becomes so precious

IF YOU ARE LUCKY he had a chance to see you grow; you had a chance to see him real

you wonder at his strength, his will, his sheer hard work

you see him in yourself a little more

you think that's not so bad

you cry a lot and you wish there'd been just a tiny bit more

there is never more; it will always have to be just enough